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Post by ripplepool on Mar 6, 2008 21:38:53 GMT -7
Name: Ripplepool
Gender: She-cat
Age: 12 moons
Rank: Warrior
Description: Ripplepool is pure black and in bright sunlight her fur glows a dark midnight blue. Her eyes are two different colors. One is a brilliant aqua green. The other is a deep crimson blood color. She is very thin an lithe the perfect body for fighting and her claws and teeth are very sharp in her self defense. Ripplepool also has a star shaped scar on her forehead between her eyes.
Short Description: A pure black lithe she-cat
Accessories: No
Personality: Ripplepool is very trustworthy to her clan and the warrior. She never breaks the rules, but she can be very impatient and sometimes depressing because of her sad kit-hood. She never disrespects anyone. Ripplepool is also very quiet.
History: Ripplepool was found unconscious by the highstones as a small kit probably only half a moon old. The current leader of the clan took her in and raised her. She was never respected and was always made fun of by the other kits they would call her things like "Hey Loonie" and "Loner kit" so of said the warriors.
RP sample: The storm raged on and so did the battle between Shadowclan and Windclan. "Bring it RUNT" said a huge brown tom running at the smaller black cat infront of him. She jumped out of the way and tackled him to the ground and ripped her claws down his face. The other cat's blood felt cool on her paws as the tom lashed out in one last attempt to fight, he managed to catch her shoulder and rake his claws across her shoulder blade ripping the flesh on her should into shreds then fell life less, starclan's newest edition.
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Post by elkstorm on Mar 20, 2008 21:02:51 GMT -7
You're going to need to add some more things, I will go down the list.
Description: I could be picky and ask for another sentance... but it is fine as it is, now that I have read it again. But ine thing, "She is very thin an lithe the perfect body for fighting and her claws and teeth are very sharp in her self defense. " before you do anything with this can you tell me what I might see wrong woth this?
Short Description: I would put something about her scar on her forehead rather than lithe.
Personality: I am asking for 2 more sentences in this section. A few that you have can easily be put together.
History: 2 more sentences aswell in this. The sentences you have are good but still not enough. Try telling about her parents, whether or not she had siblings, how her training went when she was accepted in Windclan.
RP Sample: This one is probably one I have the most fualts with. You will need atleast 6 more sentences for this- it is clearly stated minimun of 10 sentences in the Bio Form. That last sentence could be broken up into two, commas are good but it isn't goog to over use them. Third; blood is warm, not cold. If she has something wrong with her pads where she has always fel that blood is cold it should be added in the description. Also a scene like what you have done there ins't a good RP Sample, do you know why? You powerplayed a cat. Powerplaying isn't allowed, not even in a RP Sample.
Im sorry to seem so rash but I do believe this is an intermediate level RP site, if not higher. Please don't veiw me a mean or rather a female dog if you catch my drift, this is the hard part of being the leader. I will try to be cheking this site more often than I have, sorry to have made you wait so long for my reply.
Edit:*sigh* I almost always forget to end my sup and color...tis be sad.
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Post by ripplepool on May 31, 2008 15:09:33 GMT -7
I don't see why my RP sample is so bad... I mean yeah I played it up the slightest little bit from my usual style... I don't see why it's so bad I mean come on, I just don't understand why is so overplay... Is it becase its so detailed 'cause I can fix it so it doesn't sound like my writing. I showed that to my LA teacher too and thats just the way I write... Thats why im in 10th grade LA in 8th grade
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Post by ripplepool on May 31, 2008 15:44:17 GMT -7
I wasn't overplaying either, thats just called being descriptive. and have some common sense she was just fighting so the friction on her paws from running around would make her paws warm you didn't have to be so rude over my writing style... jeesh
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Post by Birdie° on Jun 9, 2008 0:27:03 GMT -7
If I may intrude... [even thought this is an old thread, I don't want to leave it on a bad note.]
I don't think it's your style she's talking about at all.
RP sample: The storm raged on and so did the battle between Shadowclan and Windclan. "Bring it RUNT" said a huge brown tom running at the smaller black cat infront of him. She jumped out of the way and tackled him to the ground and ripped her claws down his face. The other cat's blood felt cool on her paws as the tom lashed out in one last attempt to fight, he managed to catch her shoulder and rake his claws across her shoulder blade ripping the flesh on her should into shreds then fell life less, starclan's newest edition.
It's the sentence, really, that has faults; and it's not the way you write. Sure, you can have a style. Sure, if you're working with expiramental fiction you can do whatever the f**k you want, it doesn't matter. You, however, are not. Proper grammar and sentence structure is what the website asks for; you can still have a voice, even with "formal style," if you will.
Anyway.
The sentence is too long and it goes on forever, and it's kinda irritating to read, with all of the commas, it's a long sentence that could be broken up into different ones. <--example. Long sentences are monotonous, they just keep going. Elky is just telling you -politely, I might add- to break it up a bit.
The other cat's blood felt cool on her paws as the tom lashed out in one last attempt to fight. He managed to rake his claws across her shoulder blade, ripping the flesh into shreds. He then fell life less, starclan's newest edition.
You might notice I deleted a few things: the entire 'shoulder scene' is fine, but you don't have to keep reminding us where it is, especially in the same sentence.
As well as this, I highly doubt your last post was needed. It was snappy and rude, especially when she wasn't being rude. Elky was helping.
Besides, friction or not, blood is still warm.
As a side precaution, do not return and create this into an arguement.
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Post by ripplepool on Jun 19, 2008 22:14:27 GMT -7
You know what your right I had no right to snap at anyone, I was mad at my girlfriend when I read that so I kinda vented on Elk sorry there. I know there's really no excuse for my actions, I was having a bad day.
Yeah I do agree the blood thing was kinda messed up and on the shoulder scene was over descriptive, again Elk you have my deepest apologies.
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Post by Sasha on Jun 19, 2008 22:26:20 GMT -7
Thanks for being understanding, we've all had bad days. I've taken it out on the wrong people, too; my own reply was a bit snappy. I apologize. :]
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Post by elkstorm on Jun 28, 2008 0:15:44 GMT -7
*smacks head* where on earth have I been... ummm Ripple if you want to fix up your bio I will accept it... or did you already make a new bio and i accpet it unknowingly. None the less no harsh feeling, and I am glad to see everything has been resolved here.
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