Project Z (Feed back welcome)

[D.e.a.t.h]

Prolog

If you where ever to look at the Green Willow Animal Hospital you would have found nothing bad. It was a bit shabby but it looked fine animals where cared for and given back to there loving owners. Just you avarage hospital. Well not quite you see this particular Hospital lived close to a Science lab. In the hospital there was also a room witch no Staff accept for a special few where allowed in. The staff found this strange but no one dared to look in and they got good pay so why push your luck. Well where about to find out what that very strange room is all about.

Chapter 1

Zen woke up by humming she squinted as the room was hazy but as soon as she got her barrings she noticed she was caged. Zen looked around There was a cage next to her and she let out a cry with what was in it waking its inhabitant. In there cage was a boy he had brown hair and a pale slender form this isn't what scared her though. The boy had furry ears and a tail.

"What in the world?" the boy hissed as he yawned to reveal his teeth where slightly more pointed than most and his eyes where yellow. His face showed dim amusement. "Look what the cat dragged in " he said getting into a crouched position the cage only allowed as much the roof was low but it was big. One hand rubbed his eyes and now looked at her she could tell he was fully alert."Um-u you have a tail" Zen stammered. "Really never noticed" he said looking at his tail then said "O my god! I have a tail". With that Zen freaked. "Wow wow settle down girl I was kidden " he looked at her oddly. Zen managed to pull herself together."Who are you" she asked. "Am fuzz according to that guy" his brown tail flicked out of the cage.

Zen looked up to see a man in a lab coat. He had glasses on and he smiled turning to look at then. "Met the new girl" his voice was annoying and teasing also hard to get out of your head. He had darker hair than Fuzz and he looked more menacing. She could tell right off the bat you didn't mess with him. He was standing in such a way that it was impossible to see his eyes because of the reflection of the light. He crouched down so that he was closer to them. "Now pretty, can you remember anything say your name where you lived" he flashed a sly smile "Don't lie to me".

She gulped and the Zen answered him. "I-i my name is Zen and um". She realized there was a gaping hole in her mind. Her life was absent from her head even her last name or how she got here. She looked at him to see he was still grinning. "That all? ". "Y-yes thats all". He got up leaving her to catch her breath and trying to remember who she was. "Well thats more than most ill give you that " he said his back was turned but she guessed he was smiling. She now surveyed the rest of the room. Basically it was a lab room on the other side of the room there where cages also in the middle was a dissaray of beakers and liquids.

[Sasha]

Para#1
Prologue

If you where ever to look at the Green Willow Animal Hospital you would have found nothing bad*. It was a bit shabby, but it looked fine**. The animals where cared for and given back to theretheir loving owners. Just your avaerage hospital.
Well, not quite; you see, this particular Hhospital lived close to a Ssciencetific labratory. In the hospital there was also a room witchwhere no Staff accept for one but a special few where allowed into. The staff found this strange but no one dared to look in (and they got good pay so why push your luck?) Well wherewe're about to find out what that very strange room is all about***.

Para#2
Chapter 1

Zen woke up byto humming. She squinted; as the room was hazy. but As soon as she got her barrings she noticed she was caged. Zen looked around and saw that there was a cage next to her and. She let out a cry with what was in it waking its inhabitant. In there cage was a boy; he had brown hair and a pale slender form. This isn't what scared her though.
The boy had furry ears and a tail.

Para#3
"What in the world?"* the boy hissed as he yawned to revealing his teeth that where slightly more pointed than most and his eyes where yellow. His face showed dim amusement. "Look what the cat dragged in," he said, getting into a crouched position. The cage only allowed as much the roof was low but it was big.** One hand rubbed his eyes and now as he looked at her she could tell he was fully alert.
"Um-um you have a tail" Zen stammered.
"Really? I never noticed." he said, looking at his tail*** then said "Oh my god! I have a tail".
With that Zen freaked. ****
"Wow wow settle down girl I was kiddenin'!" he looked at her oddly.
Zen managed to pull herself together. "Who are you?" she asked.
"AmI'm 'Fuzz,' according to that guy." his brown tail flicked out of the cage.

Para#4
Zen looked up to see a man in a lab coat.* He had glasses on and he smiled, turning to look at thenm. "Met the new girl?" his voice was annoying and teasing also hard to get out of your head.** He had darker hair than Fuzz and he looked more menacing. She could tell right off the bat you didn't mess with himhe wasn't someone to be messed with. He was standing in such a way that made it was impossible to see his eyes because of the reflection of the light. He crouched down so that he was closer to them.
"Now pretty, can you remember anything? Say your name or/and where you lived." he flashed a sly smile "Don't lie to me".***

Para#5
She gulped and the Zen answered him. "I-I...my name is Zen and...and..." Sshe realized there was a gaping hole in her mind. Her life was absent from her head; even her last name or how she got there. She looked at him to see he was still grinning.
"That all? "
"Y-yes thats all."
He got up, leaving her to catch her breath and trying to remember who she was.* "Well thats more than most, I'll give you that." he said. His back was turned but she guessed he was smiling. She now surveyed the rest of the room. Basically it was a lab room on the other side of the room there where cages also in the middle was a dissaray of beakers and liquids.**

Comments:
A very interesting story, I'd love to read more.
Remember that there is a break in the paragraph when someone speaks; you can't have two people speaking in one paragraph. I would suggest not breaking the story as you did here, into blocks. You're off to a very good start, do continue!

Now to the black text! -rubs hands together-

Para#1
* Instead of saying 'bad,' find other words that mean the same thing but sound better. 'Bad' is considered a very elementary school word [not in offense,] so try to use as little of these kinds of words as possible.
** Same thing as above. Instead of 'fine,' use a synonym.
*** This is marked because of your tense uses. Remember to keep your tenses constant; if it's in the past, use done instead of doing, finished instead of finishing, ect. This is, actually, a tough subject for a good amount of writers [one of my classes featured a whole day on that. Dx]

Para#2
N/A

Para#3
First things first, we need to meet Zen. Don't toss a character in that we don't know, especially if it's a main one. Of course, she can be mysterious; but we need to meet her a bit before she's put in her situation. The main characters always get backstory, even if it's ten minutes into the past.
* I'm guessing this is Zen speaking? We don't know, because we get words and then the boy's actions; who is speaking?
** This is a very awkward sentence. Read it out loud and fix it up a bit.
*** Again, awkward. Describe his face; he's being sarcastic, make it seem so with his actions.
**** You're being lazy, you need more description. Don't leave it completely to the reader to think of this.
Again, 'freaked' is an elementary word. Use something better.

Para#4
* So she noticed him; alright, fine. But you want the reader to notice him. Make him walk around a bit, FORCE us to notice and care that there's a weird guy in the room.
** Again, you need better words and descriptive. I want to really hear his voice. Use intereseting words to describe it. WHY is it irritating? WHY does it stick in your head?
*** The period/exclamation point/ect. don't go on the outside of the quotation. Common mistake.

Para#5
* Again, super awkward sentence. Read it aloud and reword it.
** Common mistake: sudden information. Weed this description through the piece, not all at once.